StUpId FaN fIcTiOn (Yes, I am bored)

[ZZT-X]

Once upon a time, Doomguy was having a picnic in Central Park, with Pumpkin Pies and PBJ sandwiches. Doomguy likes PBJ sandwiches. And Pumpkin Pie. While he was eating, someone walked by? Do you know WHO? That's right, it was...

(You know, add a little...)
 
 [ February 27, 2003, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: ZZT-X ]

[mrdiffrence]

*Wrote this quickly, only really took about 15-20 mins. You can also check out my alternative story front to Doom  here*

 
...the administrator of intergalactic treaties. Sitting down beside the Doomguy (Jack) he looks intensively into his eyes and says “Jack, after the Hell Wars earth encountered five years ago, we’ve recently found a resurgence of activity....below the earths’ surface.” Jack bit his lower lip and carefully continued to chew on his sandwich as the administrator continued his story. “Apparently, before its death, the chief demon sent scouting groups into the core mining areas and penetrated deep into the earth’s core. Sending research probes we’ve gotten back videos of large amounts of activity down there.” Jack swallowed his sandwich hard, controlling the sudden flash backs of the second chapter of the Hell Wars. The cryptic message the chief demon bellowed out when Jack entered into its throne room echoing through his mind. “How many are there?” Jack asked “We’re not sure, but through the videos we’ve seen at least hundreds. They aren’t the same any more either, due to the pressured areas they are residing in they’ve evolved over time to compensate. We can’t risk sending explosives down there, because it might cause sever earthquakes all around the earth.” The administrator said as he took his eyes off of Jack. Turning back to him, the administrator said firmly “We’re going to send a full force attack squad to clean things up, and we want you to lead it. You know more about these things than anyone else.” Jack stood up and looked into the blue sky, feeling the wind wisp around his face and through his hair. “I’ll do it” Jack said.

Speeding through the transportation tunnels on the rail train, Jack closed his eyes and reflected back on the events that happened five years ago. Knee deep in the dead of dozens of demonic corpses, his friends dead, millions of people on earth dead, so much death, so much pain. The rail train came to a gentle stop at the military departure and outfitting station. Walking out of the door, Jack said to himself assertively “I won’t let that happen again.”

After the Hell Wars, the remained fractured parts of UAC formed together and dived deep into military and weapon research, a specially modified version of their latest space marine suit was optimized perfected for the conditions Jack and his squad was going to face. The helmet featured automatic target tracing, picking up any targets without UAC signature tags hundreds of feet away. Various vision modes, environmental readings and a small video window for communication were also useful features included in the helmet. The amour not only could handle extreme pressure, but was also bullet and plasma proof, UAC didn’t cut corners anywhere with designing anything. This especially shined out with the wide selection of weapons available, pistols, automatic and pump shotguns, sub-machine guns, the XT Experimental Chaingun and Jacks favorite, the Plasma rifle, beefed up with faster fire, better recoil, better cooling and better accuracy.

After the briefing, Jack turned to his squad of two dozen soldiers and said “No matter what you do. Do not turn back. No matter what you think. Do not trust anyone you haven’t heard from in 12 hours. No matter what you become. Hold onto your humanity or die trying. These things will keep you sane, these things will keep you going, these things will keep you alive”

Climbing into the transport with the other troops Jack locked himself into a seat, closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then looked through the cockpit window and held on tightly as the carrier burst forward toward the core of the earth.

Back to hell again...
 

[SpaceMarine]

The ride was actually fairly smooth, or as smooth as burrowing through the guts of the Earth can be. 'Jack', who had changed his name from Flynn to avoid any demons from finding him, sat by the window studying the specs for all of his gear on the small PDA that was built into the suit.

Jack:Hmm, a limited Personal Energy Shield sweet. Could've used that last time with all those damn Imp bastards.

Jack looked up to make sure the rest of the troops were reviewing their gear. Being prepared was one of the best weapons to have when going into a combat situation. Of course it helped to know what you were preparing for, but Jack had a rough idea. Hopefully it'd get everyone through alive.

Just then, the lights went out. Sparks flew from the burst light bulbs and all electronic equipment shut down, including the suits. The outside started glowing red and the heat inside the transport grew rapidly. Strangely all was quiet. Jack looked around...

[ZZT-X]

..."This sucks." He thought. "This really, really, sucks. At least I have my best friend Pooky."
SUDDENLY, RED EYES appeared outside the window! Who else could it be but...
 
 [ February 28, 2003, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: ZZT-X ]

[SpaceMarine]

...Solid Snake wearing his IR Goggles!

Jack:Snake? Wtf you doing here, man?

Snake:I left my address book with Meryl's phone number on this transport. Oh there it is. Have fun, jarhead. Nice bear.

Jack:Uh...right. *hides bear* Later Snake.

Jack watched Snake disappear and then noticed that the transport had finally stopped. Outside was a large cavern with a giant lake of molten rock in the center. Jack kicked open the door and motioned for the crew to follow him. A large cracking sound echoed throughout the cave...

Jack:Oh my God...!

[ZZT-X]

...the earth opened up under the transport, and was swallowed up by the earth beneath!

"PHIL!" The crowed cried... oh, the price you pay for hoarding the donuts.
"It's too late for him!" said Jack. "We've got to keep moving. There's no turning back with the transport gone... the only way out... is through..."
"Say, uh, Jack... HOW many times have ya said that?" asked a private.
"Shut up."
"No."

They made their way, slowly, around the ridge of the lava lake, when SUDDENLY, something arose out of the lake! It was...

[SpaceMarine]

...Cython!

Jack:Uh...dude, you're in the wrong game.

Cython:Damn. All these lava pools look alike. Which way to E1M7?

Bob:Turn left at the bleeding gargoyle face then make a right and go up the stairs.

Cython:Thanks.

With a flash of heat and waves of lava, the nigh-invulnerable Quake monster disappeared.

Bob:Whew...glad he left. We didn't have any lightning generators!

Jack:Yeah, whatever. Where was I...

Pvt.:Oh no...not aga...

Jack:Ah! The only way out is through!

Pvt.:Damn it.

Jack was leading them toward a dark tunnel. Grim, ominous, and with savage, gutteral yells emanating from it's shadowy passages...everyone's blood ran cold.

Suddenly from behind them...there was a heavy thud...

[Sonic]

a strange sound arouses after 10 or 12 thuds, this can only be recognized as- KKKKKKAAAAABLLLLOOOOOIIIIEEEE!!!!!

Jack:  "OH MY GOD!  NOT BERNIE!"
Bernie: "*sizzle sizzle*"
Jack:  "WHY!  WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERYTIME!!!   THEY KILLED BERNIE! THOSE BASTARDS!

Jack runs as fast as his adrenaline pumped legs could move yelling at the top of his lungs- MOVE MOVE MOVE!!!  While running he tried his best to prepare his high-tech plasma rifle when...

[SpaceMarine]

...he noticed the damn thing was shareware and the user period had run out!

Jack:Damn! Stupid military budget cuts!

The crew ran deeper into the dark hallways of subterranian hell. The smell of seared flesh invaded their nostrils and Jack heard many of the troops coughing and hacking.

Jack:Keep your sh*t together people! We got a mission to complete!

Bob:Someone find a flashlight!

A grinding noise echoed throughout the halls...

[ZZT-X]

...the grinding noise was...
"Jake, that's not your flashlight."
"Whoops! My mistake..."

They crept on through the bleak caverns, with skeletal statues and monuments to merciless mortality piled sky-high...

"Seriously, I thought Hell would be a bit hotter, what about you guys?"
"Shut up."

As the caves seemed to be their darkest, they only got darker... until a flickering candle in the distance accompanied by unholy chanting and moaning, showed their way.
The chanting grew louder and clearer and more resonant as they pressed on...

"Hoo-MAH-nay... Hoo-MAH-nay..."

"We're in for some serious monk-ey business, boys." said Jack, trying to relieve tensions among the men.
"Uh... oh, I GET IT!"
"*Shh!* Shut up, Private!"
"'MONK-EY BUSINESS!? GET IT!? AH-HA-HA---" Private was stopped short by Bob's stock.

They approached and the ceiling rose higher, and the only light were the candles all around them... and in the distance, they saw a circle of unholy monks, chanting, in a ceremony of....
 
 [ February 28, 2003, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: ZZT-X ]

[bludshot]

...a ceremony of the raising of the dead! Hundred's of pinky carcasses which were for some unknown reason dead and lying around started raising back to life. Apparently these strange un-dead monks had take the place of arch-ville's since Jack had last been in hell.

Snort, Growl, Bite! The 100 pinkie's headed straight for Jack and the rest of the marines because they had very primitive AI. "FIRE AT WILL!!" screamed Jack. Boom Blam Boom click. "Men, use your space-aged wooden handle shotguns from 1960!" SPLAT SQUISH SNORT THUD, thud, thud....

Private BludShoT quipped, "Hey, look at me! I'm knee deep in the dead!    .

Jack: "There's too many of these pinkies! Jump across that crevace to the ledge"

BludShoT: "OMG for some reason I am incapable of jumping!"

Jack: "Just run real fast and you will make it!"

BludShoT and the rest of the marines watched while Jack circle-strafed the pinkies with his chaingun. "Hey, they kinda look like big penuses" said one of the marines. The rest of the marines rolled their eyes.

Jack: "For crap's sake, THIS is why they shouldn't have let gays into the UAC military!"

Once all the pinkies were dead Jack shot the monks with a BFG and they all died. "What the hell are monks doing in hell anyways" said Jack.

BludShoT: "Well this isn't really hell, it's just deep inside the earths crust"

Jack: "Ok lets finish our mission by locating and killing the rest of the hell spawn!"

The marines ran towards a big tunnel opening, the sounds of more demons in the next cavern echoed, then just as they were about to enter the next cave -

Jack: "OMG we're all frozen and can't move!"
BludShoT: "AHHH!!!!! NOOOOO!!!! MY MOM PICKED UP THE PHONE!!!! @^#%%^#  MOM, QUICK, HANG UP BEFORE YOU CRASH OUR GAME!!"

Mom hung up and the game didn't crash. Phew, more civilizations have been destroyed by evil hell spawn that way than any other. "Now that we are unfrozen lets pause to drink some coke and ok, here we go!! (Wow this Mark Klem soundtrack OWNZORS!)

The marines entered the next cavern when all their jaws dropped to the floor. "No, it couldn't be, could it?! Yes YES, it is! O M G!!" Right in the middle of the cave in front of them was......................

[SpaceMarine]

...Duke Nukem!

Bob:Oh my God...he's dead!

Pvt.:Why?! How!?

Ash:Stop whining you little bitch. If Dukey-boy had quit ripping me off, I wouldn't have had to rip him a new one. Later primates.

SpaceMarine:Whoa...that was Ash! The Master Slayer of the Undead!!

BludShot:I thought that was Buffy?

SpaceMarine:Bite thy tongue!

Bludshot:Ow! Damn, why did I do that?

Jack:ANYway. C'mon troops.

The next cavern was populated with several Imp snipers. The space marine SpaceMarine wiped out the snipers, and much of the cavern, with his rocket launcher.

Jack:Could you be any less subtle?

SpaceMarine:Actually...yes.

Bob:You guys scare me.

SpaceMarine:Cool, a scattergun. Dibs.

Pvt.:Anyone seen a bathroom around here?

Jack:*groan* I'm surrounded by morons.

SpaceMarine:I'm going to head to the next area while you guys are busy yacking like a damn sewing circle.

Pinky:*growl*

SpaceMarine:Damn it's one of those penuses again. Looks pissed off too. Heh heh.

Bludshot:Bad pun...

The new DOOM ]|[ pinky ate some buckshot and went to sleep as SpaceMarine opened the door to the next gate.

The room began to shake violently...

[ZZT-X]

Jack: "OH NO!"

Pvt.: "What? The room's shaking from the explosions of our pyro-obsessed comrades. So what?"

Jack: "Look at the floor..."

Capt. ZZT-X: "I don't see a... HOLY CRAP, SLOPES!!"

Jack: "Shaking... slopes... Ash-quoting characters... yes, it DOES EXIST!"

Bob: "WHAT does??"

Jack: "THE BUILD ENGINE MATRIX!"

Marines (unison): "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

To be continued...
 
 [ March 01, 2003, 07:05 PM: Message edited by: ZZT-X ]

[SpaceMarine]

Mjr. SpaceMarine:Oh God no...it's not...

Pvt.:It's...the BUILD ENGINE...

SpaceMarine:GAH!!!

The cavern morphed and shifted into a crappily built club with highly pixellated strippers and several Pig-Cops.

SpaceMarine:The fiends...this is truly Hell itself, come to get us for our sins...

SpaceMarine began to pick off the mutated cops with his Vietnam-era Special Issue UAC shotgun. The bane of Imps everywhere.

SpaceMarine:Made in Grand Rapids, Michigan even.

Jack:What is this hellhole? Nevermind, where is the exit?

ZZTX:We have to climb up these two raised platforms and jump to that ledge up there. It's down the corridor and behind some bars.

SpaceMarine:Will our asses be fried like Nukem's?

ZZTX:Um. Given the unpredictable nature of this fiction, I cannot even venture a guess.

SpaceMarine:Marvelous.

Jack:Do you guys know this place?

All non-fictional characters:Um. Kind of...

Jack:Right... Let's get out of here.

Eventually the exit came within sight. Did a very weird electric chair await them on the other end?

Jack:Oh my...

[bludshot]

...shoes are melting because of all this damn lava!" said Jack.

Ash: "Alright you primitive screw heads, listen up, THIS is my BOOMSTICK!"

Duke Nukem: "Damn I forgot to steal that line!"

Jack: "Enough about your boomsticks gentlemen! Time to kick some demon ass!"

Pvt: "Oh no we are stuck in this cave, we have to somehow burrow our way out of it"

Just then in a pixelated green and white flash, Sonic13 spawned into the room.

Sonic13: "Follow me guys, I don't know what code looks like, but I can spin through holes in the earth fast! OK duck, spin, release!"

SpaceMarine: "Crap I can't duck! That would require 2x as many sprite animations!"

ZZTX: "Crap I can't find a picture of what I wanted to talk about"

BludShoT: "Wait a minute! I'm going to go press that button under that exit sign! That should make us magicallly get out of here and reappear in a completely new place with a whole new set of textures!"

Pinky: "Snort!"

Booda-booda-booda-booda-booda-booda-booda-booda-BOOM!

Booda-booda-booda-booda-booda-booda-booda-booda-BOOM!

            KILLS
Ash         20%
Duke Nukem  -20%
Jack        30%
Pvt         10%
Sonic13     0%
SpaceMarine 20%
ZZTX        20%
BludShoT    30%
Pinky       -10%